55 Minutes in Winnipeg International Airport

So let me start off by saying that the day started very normal; breakfast, phone calls and emails. Nothing odd at all. Then we stepped into what can only be described as a comedic sequence of Bizaro events. Read on my curious kitties.

11:00 AM

Mark and I were in Winnipeg for business. We walked across the cross walk to the airport and in slow motion, the fun began. First of all, the West Jet counter is very tight to the entrance to the airport. I looked straight ahead and saw lots of people and lots of action as soon as we stepped out of the cold. I looked down the airport and it was emptier than Paris Hiltons head. Not a soul in a long corridor of counters and airline desks. Reminded me of the hotel in the Shining. Although, West Jet was busy and jammed right up to the entrance.
So of course we are thinking "oh oh, were gonna be late". We get in a line that was short but if you know me, I get in short lineups at McDonalds, Wal-Mart, the movies or even the emerg at the hospital and the person behind the counter immediately turns into a "special worker". Nothing ever goes smooth or quick. So guess what? Sir Packs-A-Lot in front of us didn't pack anything right and so Kenny The Wonder Agent was making sure all bags were zipped, carriages were bagged and tags were stuck just right on the angelic baggage. So after a solid 15 people went through the adjacent line, we make it the one spot we needed to get to the counter and Kenny (the sup’a agent), says "HI THERE!!". I think he starred in Jesus Christ Super Star in high school but was Mary, not Jesus. He asks Mark if he has carry-on, of which, Mark says yes. K.S.A. (Kenny Super Agent) asks if it’s heavy and Mark says no and glimpses at me with a raised eyebrow. K.S.A. Says let's weigh it anyway in his Mary voice. Mark weighs it and K.S.A… says "oh wow, that's way over, go ahead" and turns to greet me. Mark was left standing there with a "way over, go ahead" bag wondering what the hell just happened. We are still not sure why he weighed it other than he was acting again. Like in high school. This time for the security cameras or his company’s cameras.
The desk at West Jet is a walk-thru and then you personally drop your own luggage on the belt. But this day there were 3 teenage girls at our feet rummaging through their bags, in the middle all the chaos, right where we needed to go. No West Jet employee urging them to move or even slide to the side. It took us another few minutes just to get by Miley Cirus and her groupies. Oh ya, Old Man Johnson’s bag exploded open right at the baggage belt so he was picking up his gear as I literally tiptoed through landmines of teenage iPods, shirts and old man underwear. I calmly placed my bag on the conveyor and walked away, leaving the circus atmosphere behind me. Well not really. I noticed as you place your bag on the belt, the very public walking area is adjacent to the belt entrance. So in other words, any idiot could walk up and place a sketchy bag on the belt and K.S.A. would never know. This was WTF item number 5 or 6 at this point. We let out a hearty laugh and kept on.

11:15 AM

We walked upstairs commenting on the entrance, K.S.A., the teenage bag-field and Old Man Johnson’s yard sale and the free range bag belt. This was in a 15 minute timeframe. Leaving Winnipeg was turning out to be entertaining as hell.
It’s somewhat quiet upstairs until we round the corner, laughing at the disaster behind us. HELLO! ... the lineup for security is the length of an exodus from Nigeria! People 4 wide for about 10000 yards and not even where they were suppose to be. Just as I was thinking, how can anyone move around to shop or pee with this line where it is, a small linebacker woman yells at rock concert level "please move in front of these stores over here!”. We moved with the group like cattle till we reached the super security area.
It happened again....except this time it was Mrs. Paul Blart, security linebacker barking orders of; DO NOT carry on gels, DO NOT carrr on liquids, soaps or sharp objects or you will be black listed like an OJ lawyer and sent back out with your criminal effects and interrogated Winnipeg style. As we shuffled through her coral, she barked more info about security I will never need to know. I could write a little if you want? No? Ok but its interesting to know that, and I quote "we wouldn't want one to be escorted out of the line and interrogated now would one!!?" She-Ra of security was on point man! She loved her job. Mark and I were starting to laugh a little too much for her liking and of course we got looks. Another version of her security of gels and soaps rendition came out of her. Chaos in a small space with 300 strangers is funny somehow. Watching a small little lady yell the same stuff over and over again was just comical and annoying. Kind of like when a friend is poking you and saying “You want a poke? You want a poke? You want a poke?”
So after a brief moment of letting several panicked late passengers through, we made it to the x-ray machines. This has to go smooth. No odd events, people on the floor, dropped bags and surely no gels or liquids out here n XRay Alley. Right? Wrong.
We were actually making it through smooth and then....remember my luck with lines? It happens. First, Giant Belly Man hits me no less than 6 or 40 times with his weather balloon gut, as we are shuffling through the line. Do fat people not have nerve endings on their big bellies? This dude was not only bucking me, he was breathing heavier than Oprah after reaching for a pen. Anyway, Ms. Lady Panic complains to security she is going to be late for her flight. She somehow got She-Ra Security to hold our lineup to discuss her being late. Did I mention they held the line as she was telling them about her journey? So Giant Belly Man starts grumbling that we could have been through the lineup in the time it took Ms. Lady Panic to explain her problems. Good point Giant Belly Man! Too bad you didn't apply your logic to exercise. Oh yes, as we pass through the x-ray lineup behind Ms. Lady Panic, she runs of, in of course, a panic. Leaving her jacket and bag behind. Bizaro world item number 7 or 8. We saw her running back about 2 minutes later for her jacket. Funny. Real funny.

11:38 AM

So Mark and I calmly walk to Tim’s, grab a coffee and donut. We saunter over to sit down and watch rain storms approaching metro Winnipeg. Just as Mother Nature drops rain, Agent Funny Talk comes on the mic. Do you see where this is going?. "Good afternoon ladeeth and gentlemen, your flight for Calgary will be thhleaving thhortly".....a pause as someone taps her shoulder and whispers to her..."my apologeeethhh! Fffllight to Toronto!! Thhith flight came from Calgary. Thhorry to tthartle you". I heard someone say under their breath "have another beer". I asked Mark if we were being punked? Were there cameras around us, playing a pretty funny trick on us? I was trying not to laugh but come on! Between K.S.A., Mrs. Paul Blart, Giant Belly Man, Ms. Panic Lady and Agent Funny Talk, we had lots of ammunition for a story. I am going to stop talking about Agent Funny Talk. It’s too touchy and I don't want to "thhartle" you. The one person on the mic and its Agent Funny Talk.

11:55 AM

So we get on the flight, ready to go home and see our loved ones. I didn't know we were going to get a double whammy on the plane. We are taxi-ing out and the Flight Attendant says "hello everyone", blah blah blah, "at the front is Lara, in the middle, Laura, here in front with me is Lucy and I am Lancelot". Whhhhhat? If there was one person laughing there were 150. He said "serious, that's my name". More laughs. "He then looks out over the crowd from behind the wall and says "I'm serious!". Everyone stopped laughing. More red faces from Mark and I and some more laughs. Man this was getting tiring.
So as we are passing over Quebec: how do I know we were over Quebec? Because Second Officer Motor Mouth told us that if we continue on our current stream with a wind speed velocity of 459kms an hour we will hit a down spiral generated frick frack rim raw jupe jamp with a spil pannner and we will make it to Halifax 15 minutes early. Well geez I wish I knew that before I got on the time machine airplane with the mad scientist pilot. I never knew pilots could spew more BS than they already do but let's say that this pilot had lots to eat the night before so lots to go around. Even the Flight Attendant stopped and leaned on the cart as he educated us. Funny? Funny? It was enough for one day. Enough for a few days.
We just wanted to go home and directly home. I think we went thousands of extra kms because we went through Bizaro World and then home.
A side note to all this is that I am in Winnipeg again and as I was walking to baggage through the correct doors and correct walkway, a voice came over the speakers "please stop! You are in a restricted area! Please return to your previous area!" Geez, you have no idea how I want to proceed to my previous area.

Haligonia.ca interview

I was surprised to see me on the front page of the website! I really was. I am posting the link to the interview so hope you enjoy it.

Ten pounds on TV and 15 on the internet! HAAA.

http://live.haligonia.ca/halifax-ns/sports/1574-steve-betts-on-haligonia-sports.html

Bettsee

Welcome!

Its time to reak some havoc on the world of the 'net! I see things in a odd way sometimes and want to share these observations with you. I am doing this because 1. I was told to and 3. I like to vent. Number 2. was irrelevant. So stay tuned and we will see if we cant make you smile, think and have some reading that may take you away from reality. Anything I can do to help...

Bettsee